When he died, I lost all connection to planet earth. A window opened between dimensions and I climbed right in.
‘Take me with you,’ I repeated. Over and over and over. It was disorienting and at times completely engulfed me. But it was the only place I wanted to or could be. For months I would drift in and out of this state.
And when you articulate this to friends and family, when you try to give words to these feelings, every alarm rings. Everyone starts to worry. Our culture has nowhere to put these dark feelings and sorrow.
No one tells you this. Not in our American culture anyways.
So now that I’ve made it to the other side, I will.
Each individual mourns differently, but I have now witnessed how many people suppress their grief for fear of upsetting others.
First of all, the urge to ‘die’ isn’t exactly about dying. It’s about holding on to your loved one with all your might, about delaying the separation for as long as humanly possible. It comes from the deepest source of connection a human can feel. From a sense that souls are entwined, like a living whole, and that when one half dies the other simply can’t go on.
It is normal, it is born of love and connection, and it is okay.* You will return to this dimension, feel like you can live again, but not until you’ve seen the depths of that darkness.
The saying that kept me afloat on some of my hardest days was, ‘the depth of your grief is equal to the depth of your love.’ That is exactly how it felt.
No One Tells You About Loss, So I Will by Cora Neumann