Giving a Father "A Good Death"

Elizabeth Bernstein talks about planning "a good death" for a loved one. In her case, it included favorite music and just being present. When my dad was dying two years ago, I spent days sitting in bed beside him, listening to Chopin and Adele, reading his favorite Carl Sandburg poetry and reminiscing about our father-daughter sailing and kayaking trips. Although he was no longer conscious, I held his hand, told him I loved him and thanked him for being a fantastic father. He died, surrounded by family, while I was talking to him. I think we gave him a good death. Losing someone we love, even when that death is expected, is one of life’s most dreaded experiences. It can also be one of the most profound and meaningful, say experts in end-of-life care, such as hospice nurses, palliative-care doctors and death doulas. (Yes, they’re a thing.) A game plan will help. It can be difficult—and terrifying—to think or talk about what happens at someone’s deathbed. Taking a practical approach can help you do your best when the time comes. Some advice from those experts: Keep your final communication simple and loving. Take your time saying goodbye. And, above all, be emotionally present....Stop worrying about what comes after, such as the calls and arrangements you need to make. Those thoughts take you away from the present, says David Kessler, a death and grief expert and author of six books on the topic. Make the room as peaceful as possible. “When we create this feeling around the person that fosters deep, deep relaxation, we allow them to let go,” Bazen says. Take the family drama outside. Ditto phone calls. Say what’s in your heart, even if you think they can’t hear you. But keep it simple.