Disappearing Fathers by Faith Shearin

Sometime after I turned forty the fathers from my childhood began disappearing; they had heart attacks during business dinners or while digging their shovels into a late April snow. Some fathers began forgetting things: their phone numbers, which neighborhoods belonged to them, which houses. They had a shortness of breath, the world’s air suddenly too thin, as if it came from some other altitude. They were gone: the fathers I had seen dissecting cars in garages, the fathers with suits and briefcases, the fathers who slipped down rivers on fishing boats and the ones who drank television and beer. Most of my friends still had mothers but the fathers were endangered, then extinct. I was surprised, though I had always known the ladies lasted longer; the fathers fooled me with their toughness; I had been duped by their jogging and heavy lifting, misled by their strength when they slapped me on the back or shook my hand. I kept imagining I would see them again: out walking their dogs on the roads near my childhood house, lighting cigars on their porches, waving to me from their canoes while I waited on shore.

Rudraksha (Prayer Beads) — Mindy Stricke

Mindy Strike is beginning a new series of photographs and interviews about grief.  The first is with Sharada Eswar, about her father's death 16 years ago.



"In Hinduism, there are many ceremonies that take place during the 13 days after a death. My mom's older sister, who was with us throughout that period, is very traditional, and had a beautiful way of explaining the rituals and the stories behind them. Death is such a strange thing that even if you consider all of these rituals as old grandmothers’ tales, you still want to do them when something happens to you personally.

It was all about my dad's soul reaching moksha—not exactly heaven, but a safe place—and you want to do everything to insure that happens. For instance, on the 13th day, one makes donations. Some of them are symbolic, like you're supposed to donate a cow. And you do that because it's a long journey from this world to that world, and the soul has to to be nourished, and the cow is a provider of food.

Another example, on the 9th and the 10th day is when people come and visit you, and they wail loudly, I mean it's almost like Greek keening. At first it sounds irritating, but then it becomes comforting. Just being together. Though I think some part of you wants to be alone, there's also a part of you that doesn’t."



Rudraksha (Prayer Beads) — Mindy Stricke

How to live with dementia: New book helps transform sufferers' lives | Health | Life & Style | Daily Express

About Words for a Journey: The Art of Being with Dementia:

"Civil engineer Dr Nick Tyler, a professor at University College London who also designs dementia-friendly products and environments, said the guide “views dementia from an entirely new angle”.

“We look at drugs, medicine, therapies and that should obviously continue, but what strikes me about this approach from Japan is that it is not coming out of the desire to find a cure but trying to understand the people.

“By using a ‘pattern language’, which is a piece of computer science used to look at systems and see if they can be improved, the researchers have tried to understand how people with dementia relate to the world so we can help them.”

Dr Sebastian Crutch, a professor at the Dementia Research Centre at University College London, agrees: “It is really helpful and beneficial to keep finding new ways of supporting people with dementia, ensuring they have more constructive conversations and interactions with family and friends.

“The guide outlines the links through friends and connections and meaningful objects that are important in being able to communicate. Although some of the links may seem obvious, people getting to grips with the illness may not have thought of them. "




How to live with dementia: New book helps transform sufferers' lives | Health | Life & Style | Daily Express:

Communication and Alzheimer's | Caregiver Center | Alzheimer's Association

"People with Alzheimer's and other dementias have more difficulty expressing thoughts and emotions; they also have more trouble understanding others. Here are some ways to help the person with Alzheimer's communicate...."

• Identify yourself.
  Approach the person from the front and say who you are. Keep good eye contact; if the person is seated or reclined, go down to that level.
• Call the person by name.
  It helps orient the person and gets his or her attention.
  
  Ongoing communication is important, no matter how difficult it may become or how confused the person with Alzheimer's or dementia may appear.
• Use short, simple words and sentences.
  Lengthy requests or stories can be overwhelming. Ask one question at a time.
• Speak slowly and distinctively.
  Be aware of speed and clarity. Use a gentle and relaxed tone — a lower pitch is more calming.
• Patiently wait for a response. 
  The person may need extra time to process what you said. 
• Repeat information or questions as needed.
  If the person doesn't respond, wait a moment. Then ask again. 
• Turn questions into answers.
  Provide the solution rather than the question. For example, say "The bathroom is right here," instead of asking, "Do you need to use the bathroom?" 
• Avoid confusing and vague statements.
  If you tell the person to "Hop in!" he or she may interpret your instructions literally. Instead, describe the action directly: "Please come here. Your shower is ready." Instead of using "it" or "that," name the object or place. For example rather than "Here it is" say "Here is your hat."
• Turn negatives into positives.
  Instead of saying, "Don't go there," say, "Let's go here."
• Give visual cues.
  To help demonstrate the task, point or touch the item you want the individual to use or begin the task for the person.
• Avoid quizzing.
  Reminiscing may be healthy, but avoid asking, "Do you remember when ... ?"
• Write things down.
  Try using written notes as reminders if the person is able to understand them. 
• Treat the person with dignity and respect.
  Avoid talking down to the person or talking as if he or she isn't there. 
• Convey an easygoing manner.
  Be aware of your feelings and attitude — you may be communicating through your tone of voice. Use positive, friendly facial expressions and nonverbal communication. 

Communication and Alzheimer's | Caregiver Center | Alzheimer's Association:

Death Doulas: Practical and Emotional Support for Dying People and Their Families

An excellent article by Anna Lyons about the role of a death doula:

Most of us know about birth doulas, but many of us haven't even heard of an end of life doula. Sometimes we're called death doulas, death midwives, end of life companions or soul midwives. The profession is still very new, but the reason for this is very old. We fear death so we don't talk about it. The problem is we need to talk about it, and I've been doing this for long enough to know that people want to talk about it. They just don't know how.

"How can I mindfully meet this broken heart, longing, grief?" - Jeff Foster

Chicago Sun-Times › Evi & Walter: A love story in any key

This is a beautiful love story about a brilliant musician, now struggling with dementia, and his wife of 66 years.

Except for when he is with his caregiver, she is with him everywhere he goes.

“If that isn’t love, I don’t know what is,” says the son, a Princeton University professor who teaches media and cultural theory in the German department.

Chicago Sun-Times › Evi & Walter: A love story in any key: