Megan McArdle: Both my parents died. This letter explains how I kept going.

Excerpts from Megan McArdle's wise words in the Washington Post: American society often downplays the obvious when it comes to death. In movies and fiction it is sensationalized, or sentimentalized, but when it comes to the actual thing...This left me unready to face death in its true form: the choking breaths that used to be called the “death rattle,” the mottled skin and shrunken bodies, and the horror of watching my father’s color change and knowing I’d seen the moment when his heart finally stopped beating. I didn’t realize I would have flashbacks for months. And I was furious at how badly our culture had prepared me for the hardest thing I ever had to do. I want you to know the reality so you will not be caught unprepared, as I was, for the fact that there is nothing picturesque or peaceful about dying. But I also want you to know how glad I am that I kept vigil with my parents at the end. Do the same if you possibly can — sleep in their room if the hospital will let you. It is the final thing you can do for them, and it is an unutterable comfort to know that you did your utmost to the last. No matter how unbearable it seems at points, remember that millions upon millions have done it before you and survived. You will, too.... Death is not the end of your relationship with your parents. As you help them die, their frailty and your helpless pity will force you to see them as full human beings for the first time, and you will love them better and more deeply than you did before. Even after they die, your relationship will grow and change as you do. They will be in your thoughts every day, and it’s perfectly normal to talk to them about it. I do, all the time. So nurture that relationship now. Do everything you can for them.