We are honored to have permission to publish an excerpt from
My Family Record Book: The Easy Way to Organize Personal Information, Financial Plans, and Final Wishes for Seniors, Caregivers, Estate Executors, etc.
, by Harris N. ("Hershey") Rosen. This book is a vital resource for all families, helping to facilitate difficult but essential conversations so that family members can have the experience that makes them feel most loved and most in control.
From the book:
A close friend, Anne, whose husband died a few years ago, spoke of her experience.
Although she knew of his impending death, she was totally unprepared for her own reaction. Strong emotions, she relates, came to the surface, and things that she did before without thinking became a major issue. Although a capable and accomplished businesswoman in her own right, she was almost paralyzed when it came to the seemingly-simple task of opening a checking account. Zapped of all energy, everyday tasks became formidable. Food shopping and going to the cleaners became major events. In fact, anything out of the house was a challenge.
Another friend, Lisa, didn’t have any warning. The night before, she and her husband had gone out to dinner. The following morning George got up early for an appointment and went into the bathroom to brush his teeth.
But he never came out.
She heard a loud thud as he slumped to the floor. In total shock and dismay, she knew instantly that she was facing the hell of her life without her best friend and trusted partner. Both hardworking, they hadn’t been able to save much but were getting by and had a great marriage. Now fear and panic about her future felt overwhelming. She was petrified. Without George’s income, would she have to move? How would she make ends meet? What taxes were due and when?
In another instance, a friend was helping me write my book –
My Family Record Guide. Ten minutes after he finished reading it, his phone rang. It was his mother – quite distraught, because her husband was in the hospital, and she knew there were bills to pay. But she didn’t know if there was enough money in the checking account to cover them nor did she have the foggiest idea how to transfer funds from their savings to their checking account.
Then there’s what Ronald Regan called “The Long Goodbye” – dementia, which places a spouse in the uncomfortable position of having all the financial and medical responsibilities without being able to start life again. The care-giver becomes a prisoner with a tremendous burden.
These are not times for the game of hide and seek - where the care-giver or survivors have to find information that seems to be hidden.
We all think we will be prepared, but close friends and my own experience tell me that death or disability of a loved one is all-consuming and totally disorienting. There may be emotional reactions of confusion, unrelenting tears, anger or panic; or physical effects, such as stomach problems, headaches or fatigue. And there might be psychological symptoms, such as needing to be in control, lost ability to trust, and feelings of isolation. Tragically, Anne and Lisa experienced it all.
Committing vital information to paper will empower your loved ones through knowledge. They will not be overwhelmed by the gigantic task of figuring out the logistics of home maintenance and finances.
Unfortunately, the death of a loved one may very well make a partner vulnerable to scams and fraud, even by family members – children who want an “advance” on their inheritance. Your partner can feel secure knowing who you feel are trusted professionals pertaining to economic stability.
Likewise, a new widow, or widower, may receive calls from potential suitors. But as one recent widow said to me, “I don’t want to be either a nurse or a purse.” The information will provide freedom from needless worry and doubt about future security. (Provided, of course, that you've put your financial affairs in good order.)
Perhaps most poignantly, the information will be a conduit for your protective and loving presence. A rabbi friend tells me that people will stop calling in six to nine months and that’s when problems may occur. Indeed, the National Mental Health Association reported some years ago that: “One-third of widows/widowers meet the criteria for depression in the first month after the death of their spouse, and half of these individuals remain clinically depressed after one year.” And the Harvard Medical School Family Health Guide says that: “In the year after a spouse’s death, 50% of widows develop depression.”
And that’s why you want to make life easier for your partner and loved ones by relating the information you know they will need to maintain the life style you want him/her or them to have.
The above true stories are excerpted from the book, “
My Family Record Book”, which is available on Amazon. Used with permission and all rights reserved.
A free app based on the book is available.
by Thomas R. Golden is a helpful guide for couples and families who find that grief is isolating them rather than bringing them closer. Different people may mourn differently and it is important to respect and support each person's method of dealing with loss without judging or weighing each other's feelings.
helps you know what to say when you and the person you hope to comfort know that the grief is beyond words. It is very helpful in guiding readers to provide comfort and show compassion, with helpful advice for family members, health professionals, and for those who have to explain illness and loss to children.