Presence is the Greatest Gift

Condolence Letters That Console

From the New Yorker a description of a class on writing condolence letters conducted by my friend Amy Cunningham:

“Passed away” is out; “died” is in. Don’t say, “I know how you feel” or “This is God’s plan.” Handwritten letters are always good, but you can also type something and print it on ivory paper. “I’m not opposed to preprinted cards,” Cunningham said.

To illustrate her points, she shared a few condolence letters from famous literary and historical figures. “This is not a good letter, Charlie,” Ernest Hemingway wrote to Charles Scribner, the son of his late publisher. “But I still feel too sad to write a good one.” Cunningham awarded him points for completion. “Aiming for excellence is really only going to hold you up.”

Writing to a friend’s widow, Aldous Huxley veered into esoteric musings: “How are we related to what we were? Who are we now and what were we then? . . . There are no answers, of course.” According to Cunningham, this was not “a home run,” although it might have been endearing to a friend of Huxley’s....Also, don’t make it about yourself, as Queen Victoria did in a letter to Mary Todd Lincoln after the death of the President: “No one can better appreciate than I can, who am myself utterly broken-hearted by the loss of my own beloved husband, who was the light of my life, my stay, my all, what your sufferings must be.”

How to Write a Condolence Note

The New York Public Library is presenting our beloved Amy Cunningham to discuss how to write a condolence note.

Join funeral director and Green-Wood Cemetery educator, Amy Cunningham, for this workshop on how to write a condolence letter.

With death ever-present, condolence letters were mainstays of 19th-century life, missives of comfort written straight from the heart. Amy and participants will read copies of letters by Charles Dickens, Emily Dickinson, Mark Twain, Abraham Lincoln, and Queen Victoria herself with comparisons to modern letter writing. Participants will then review the principles of a good condolence letter. Amy Cunningham is a Brooklyn funeral director who helps families with green burials, cremation services in Green-Wood Cemetery crematory chapels, home vigils, and other sorts of memorials.

John Pavlovitz: Do Not Say This to People Who Are Grieving

John Pavlovitz writes about how kindly meant comments can be painful to hear:

They saw my total, alarming devastation, and in their urgency to alleviate some of it, did what good people do when other people they care for are grieving: they said things.

And often the things they said, as birthed from a beautiful place as they were—really hurt. What they so desired to be healing, actually poked the already massive wound in my heart, and made it worse.

It does not help to say: "God needed another angel," "He's in a better place," "Everything happens for a reason," "I know how you feel."

Just say: "I care about you." "I loved him/her." "I will cherish my memories of him/her." "I am sorry."

And do not ask if you can do anything. Just do something.

HELPING A FRIEND THROUGH GRIEF

How do you help a grieving friend?

Hope: A documentary that tells the inspiring stories of those who are moving beyond grief to embrace life.

12 Things Not to Say to Grieving Nonbelievers | Alternet

Even for believers, these attempts at comfort can be grating.

"You almost certainly have non-believers in your life. While many of them aren't public about it, around five to 10 percent of adults in the United States are non-religious. When they're grieving -- whether it's a personal death or a public tragedy—they want and need comfort. But the standard ways of dealing with death are often religious. When these are offered to nonbelievers, they typically don't help, and they often make things worse."

12 Things Not to Say to Grieving Nonbelievers | Alternet

How this Orlando-bound flight crew went above and beyond for the grieving grandmother on-board - The Washington Post

From the Washington Post, a story about an entire plane of passengers comforting a grieving grandmother whose grandson was killed in the Orlando shooting.

A JetBlue flight attendant shared a moving account of how crew and passengers on an Orlando-bound flight went out of their way to comfort a grieving woman who lost her 20-year-old grandson in Sunday’s massacre.  

 He was Luis Omar Ocasio-Capo, a dancer with big Hollywood dreams. Omar, as friends and family called him, was one of the youngest victims. The grandmother was traveling alone, so Kelly Davis Karas and the other JetBlue employees were instructed to be at her side throughout the journey. The company would have known which passengers had lost loved ones because the airline provided free tickets to any family member or domestic partner of one of the victims who needed to get to Orlando. 

 About halfway through the flight, Karas wrote in a Facebook post, a colleague had an idea to have all of the passengers sign a condolence note for the woman. But people didn’t just scribble their names, they wrote long thoughtful messages that took up pages and pages.

When the flight landed, they made an announcement: “JetBlue stands with Orlando” and then, at the request of some passengers, held a moment of silence for Omar.
 As they got off, Karas said every single passenger stopped to personally greet Omar’s grandmother. “Some just said they were sorry, some touched her hand, some hugged her, some cried with her,” Karas wrote. “But every single person stopped to speak to her, and not a single person was impatient at the slower deplaning process.”

How this Orlando-bound flight crew went above and beyond for the grieving grandmother on-board - The Washington Post:

Grief Support vs. Grief Comfort

Words of Comfort

A friend writes words that comforted her: "May his spirit safely depart to join the spirit that unites us all."

What shall I do with the sympathy cards people sent when my baby died? | Life and style | The Guardian

 For all my gripes with condolence cards and what to do with them, I, too, have sent them since Ellora died. I make it a point never to write sorry. I’d hope the sheer act of sending the card would do that job. And I only write what once gave me strength: “I send you prayers and wish you fortitude.”

What shall I do with the sympathy cards people sent when my baby died? | Life and style | The Guardian

How Not to Say the Wrong Thing -- by Susan Silk and Barry Goldman

Comfort in, kvetch out.

Draw a circle. This is the center ring. In it, put the name of the person at the center of the current trauma. For Katie's aneurysm, that's Katie. Now draw a larger circle around the first one. In that ring put the name of the person next closest to the trauma. In the case of Katie's aneurysm, that was Katie's husband, Pat. Repeat the process as many times as you need to. In each larger ring put the next closest people. Parents and children before more distant relatives. Intimate friends in smaller rings, less intimate friends in larger ones. When you are done you have a Kvetching Order. One of Susan's patients found it useful to tape it to her refrigerator. Here are the rules. The person in the center ring can say anything she wants to anyone, anywhere. She can kvetch and complain and whine and moan and curse the heavens and say, "Life is unfair" and "Why me?" That's the one payoff for being in the center ring. Everyone else can say those things too, but only to people in larger rings. When you are talking to a person in a ring smaller than yours, someone closer to the center of the crisis, the goal is to help. Listening is often more helpful than talking. But if you're going to open your mouth, ask yourself if what you are about to say is likely to provide comfort and support. If it isn't, don't say it.

From How Not to Say the Wrong Thing

Amy Dickinson — How to offer condolences? Readers answer.

"What would have been helpful (and what I do) is to tell the grieving person that their loved one mattered in your life. Even if you did not know the deceased that well you can share a good memory or story. People mistakenly think they shouldn’t remind grieving people of their loved ones, so they never talk about them again. In my experience grieving people like to know their loved ones are remembered."



Amy Dickinson asked readers to tell her what helped them when they were grieving.  All said the same -- be present for them.  Do not try to be philosophical or tell them how to grieve or when to stop.  Let them know that the person they lost mattered to you and if possible share a memory.  Just be there for them.

My child is not in heaven: Your religion only makes my grief harder - Salon.com

 "October is Pregnancy and Infant Loss Awareness Month, and while there are countless parents grieving publicly via Facebook and Instagram, posting messages of how their babies have earned their place in heaven, those of us without organized religion are left on the sidelines. Some of us still refer to our babies as angels, though not the kind that float on clouds by pearly gates. We simply lack the language to describe our loss without resorting to theistic terms.

Agnostics and atheists understand why people have faith. We understand it brings them comfort. At times, I wish I could believe that my daughter is watching over me right now while enjoying a beautiful and eternal afterlife. But that’s just not what I believe. Instead, I imagine her in all sorts of places. Maybe her energy shot out into the stars. Perhaps some molecule of her is dancing around on Jupiter. Other times, I think about much of her remaining in my heart, as science tells us part of every child’s DNA remains forever with her mother, a fact that does bring me great peace.

Maggie’s physical remains are in a plastic, white box, swaddled in her hospital baby blanket, and placed inside my bedroom closet, still waiting for the day I am willing to part with them. I really don’t know what happened to her soul, if such things even exist. And while it may comfort you to say to me that my daughter is in heaven, it does absolutely nothing for me or for the countless others who don’t subscribe to your brand of faith — and that is okay."



My child is not in heaven: Your religion only makes my grief harder - Salon.com

Compassion and Support, Not Pity and Correction, Please - Headspace Perspective

 "Some of the classic platitudes can close off a conversation. They can make me feel that my opinion and experiences are not valid, or that the person I am speaking to doesn’t want to hear me talk about them.

That can cause a sense of isolation, drive a wedge, and foster resentment. It’s not pleasant for anyone.

Sometimes all you can do is listen, or offer a hug. If you do feel the need to speak, ask an open question (“What does that mean?”, “Would you like to tell me more?”) or simply say you don’t know what to say.

There’s no escaping the fact that these conversations can be uncomfortable. But let’s remember your discomfort lasts only for a short while – and such compassion, understanding, and empathy will mean so much to the grieving person.

What I need most from people is compassion and support, not pity or correction please."



Compassion and Support, Not Pity and Correction, Please - Headspace Perspective

Inspired Goodbyes | What to say when someone dies

"It’s important to remember that people don’t feel grief for just a few weeks after bereavement. It goes way beyond the initial busy period of arranging family flowers and funeral cars. It doesn’t go away a month after the funeral, either. In fact, grief can sometimes only hit people properly 6 to 12 months after the actual death. When the family and friends have gone home, the flowers have wilted and the phone stops ringing that’s when many find it hardest.

If you don’t know what to say, you can simply say you don’t know what to say. Don’t cross the street, don’t avoid their calls and don’t make excuses. If you know someone who has lost a loved one call them today. Pop round for a cup of tea. Get in touch somehow and just say you’re sorry, sorry somebody they love has died. Remember it’s not about you, it’s about them. "



Inspired Goodbyes | What to say when someone dies

Non-Funeral Ways to Mourn

"Over the past year, I’ve experienced several losses that, at the request of the deceased, did not include funerals. Grief rituals are central to my mourning process, but there’s no negotiating with the dead. In the absence of the most standard of ceremonies, how do you give expression to your grief while respecting someone’s final wish for “no funeral, please?” Through personal experience, and conversations with friends and readers who’ve faced the same scenario, here are seven ways to do just that."



Recommendations include donation to a favorite cause of the one who has died, learning one of their skills or trying their hobbies, and making a pilgrimage to a place that meant a lot to him or her.



When Your Loved One’s Last Wish Was ‘No Funeral’ - Modern Loss

A Message of Hope for the Bereaved from Ligia M. Houben

A Message of Hope for the Bereaved from Ligia M. Houben from Ligia Houben on Vimeo.

Helping Children Cope with Death and Dying

 "As children encounter illness, loss, and grief, they seek to understand the events and make sense of what they’re feeling and experiencing. Whether adults realize it or not, children are aware of death. Most have seen a bird, insect, or animal lying on the ground. They may have seen death on television or in movie, and they hear about it in fairy tales.

As children encounter illness, loss, and grief, they seek to understand the events and make sense of what they’re feeling and experiencing. Whether adults realize it or not, children are aware of death. Most have seen a bird, insect, or animal lying on the ground. They may have seen death on television or in a movie, and they hear about it in fairy tales.
While they may not yet have an adult’s sophistication as they seek answers, they can turn to their beliefs, faith, rituals, and practices to help them gain understanding. This process makes children “spiritual pioneers,” a phrase first used by Dr. Robert Coles to describe children who are trying to make sense of the world without the cognitive-spiritual maps that most adults possess.

Children have a complex development process influenced by many factors, including religious and spiritual organizations, mainstream media, books, magazines, celebrities, public figures, and other cultural icons. Unlike adults, children don’t make clear distinctions between spirituality and religion. Even very young children may have clear, though often fluid, ideas about faith, prayer, and divine experiences. Religious and spiritual experiences can exert a powerful influence in their lives, affecting their moral development, their idea of social relationships, their way of perceiving themselves and their behavior, and their way of integrating daily occurrences into a broader spiritual view."



Helping Children Cope with Death and Dying