The Personal Paradigm Shift of the Past Perfect

Mark Liebenow:  "I am going to survive grief not because I am balanced, or because I have hidden strengths that grief has brought out, but because I’m stubborn. If death is going to hit me, them I’m going to hit death back, and hard.

Grief broke the dam on my emotional river that held back and doled out my caring of others through society’s irrigation pipes. Now that the dam is gone, my love flows free to everyone who has a need, even though I don’t always know what to do, I’m awkward, and I often feel overwhelmed. But I don’t want to stuff my emotions back inside the coffee can. That way of living is predictable and boring.

This caring for others that I’m talking about (you can also call it love, compassion, or kindness), isn’t a matter of give and take. I don’t scratch your back so that you will scratch mine. This compassion is not an emotion that ebbs and flows. This love is intentional. If I show you kindness and you happen to return kindness to me, all the better. But I help you simply because you have a need. My grief has shown me how much we need the help of others, including strangers who show up at the door.

Don’t get me wrong about trees. I adore them — oaks and pines, hickories and maples — just not as similes. Trees are glorious creatures standing with an architecture and presence all their own. We don’t need to reduce them into abstract concepts. But if we want to go the simile route, let me toss in this fact: There are massive trees that have shallow root systems, like my beloved giant sequoias in Yosemite. They will blow over in strong winds unless they connect their root systems with nearby trees. Then they support each other. You know, like in a community.

Do I love others as deeply as I grieve? I hope at least this much."



The Personal Paradigm Shift of the Past Perfect