Dear Prudence: When Mom Won't Admit Dad is Dying

Dear Prudence,
My dad is very sick with lung cancer, has a compromised immune system because of chemo, and has terrible gout in his hand. He was recently diagnosed with chronic obstructive pulmonary disease and is often exhausted. My mom has her own medical issues and, by awful coincidence, is having a terrible episode of knee pain that has reduced her mobility. My main worry is that my mom often says things like “Dad will be all right; he’s going to get through this.” My dad has occasionally talked about death and has started preparing me to take over his personal business (paying the bills, taking care of their estate and property, helping my mom out, etc.) if things take a turn. He also will comment to our mom a bit about death, to which my mom has replied, “I don’t want to hear that,” or “He’s going to be fine. I don’t want to hear him talk like that.” Both my dad and I are worried about what seems obvious: He’s very sick with cancer, may die from it, and is preparing himself mentally and emotionally for that possibility. Is it wrong of me to gently encourage my mom to develop a different coping mechanism to help my dad talk or think it through? Should I simply respect that she will have her own process, which may include a long period of denial (maybe never accepting death until it actually happens)?
—Mom in Denial

There’s a limit to how much you can force this conversation on your mother, which I think you realize. She’s dealing with chronic pain and immobility and a very ill partner, so she may feel like she doesn’t have the resources to think about your father’s death right now. It’s good that you and your father are setting aside the time to prepare for the worst, and to whatever extent you’re able to facilitate a smooth transfer of financial and logistical responsibilities without involving your mother directly, you should continue to act on her behalf. It might help, if she seems deeply distressed, to ask if there’s anything else she needs right now to help her manage her pain or get help taking care of the house. It may also help to offer her the chance to be part of this conversation without trying to force her into anything; say, if you and your dad set aside an afternoon to meet with a lawyer and estate planner to go over his will and end-of-life wishes, you can tell your mother about it in advance, ask her to join you if she’s able, but ultimately leave it up to her. You can stress that you’re not giving up: “We all hope that Dad is able to recover, but we want to be prepared for everything, including the worst.” But if she can’t or won’t participate, you shouldn’t push her.

Dear Prudence


An update from the letter writer:

Re: Mom in denial: Thank you so much for sharing this information. The rest of my family were all in the camp that it was ESSENTIAL to be absolutely positive and upbeat about my dad’s possibility of recovery. The doctors and I seemed to be the only ones who understood that Dad’s situation might worsen. He actually did pass on March 5, and I have spent some time worrying that I was unable to provide enough positivity and/or assistance to help him get well (because of my sisters’ inability to accept the possibility of death/wanting second opinions/wanting to change his care drastically, and all that comes when someone is in denial, in my opinion).

I appreciate the comment so much from this health care professional, as it tells me that I understood things and am not a terrible person for it. My mom actually did change and accepted my dad’s condition better after a heart-to-heart with a palliative care doctor in his final days. You do make a big difference, thank you. I miss him terribly but at least I can be assured that it was his time to go.