A Doctor Regrets Telling a Patient He is Dying

In  ‘You’re Dying,’ I Told My Patient. I Wish I Hadn’t. Dr. Daniela J. Lamas writes:

In most contexts, it is a doctor’s responsibility to tell our patients the truth, to help them to understand even the most devastating realities. But when I think about that night, I know that I added to my patient’s pain in the last hours of his life. I wish that I had done it differently. I could have paused and told him that yes, he was going to go home. I could have simply been there with him and said nothing at all. That small kindness might have done more for him than the truth.

Grief Keeps Us Close To Those We've Lost

 Steven Petrow writes in The Washington Post:

Long before my mother died, I’d read a slim book, “Grief: A Novel,” by Andrew Holleran, that long stayed with me. Holleran, whose earlier work chronicled the AIDS epidemic, creates characters for whom grief serves as a lifeline, ironic as that sounds, to those whom they’ve lost. The novel focuses on two men — an exhausted, lonely professor whose invalid mother has recently died and his new landlord, a fellow who has lost most of his friends to AIDS.

In one passage, the two characters discuss the nature of grief, ironically framing it as a way to maintain connection with the dearly departed:

The professor: “[G]rief is what you have after someone you love dies. It’s the only thing left of that person. Your love for, your missing, them. And as long as you have that, you’re not alone — you have them.”

The landlord: “But they’re gone!”

The professor: “Not if you grieve. . . . Your grief is the substitute for their presence on earth. Your grief IS their presence on earth.”

In the years since my mother died, temblors of grief have continued — sometimes on the surface, but more often deep within me. That they can come on without warning is no shock. That they pain me is also expected. The unfolding surprise has been that they no longer upset me. I’ve allowed myself to feel the pain of loss and I came to learn, albeit slowly and painfully, that grief is not to fear. If anything, it’s to be embraced. Grief had become an unexpected and comforting way to stay connected to the mother I’d lost.

Grief and Jewish Observance of Mourning

In this podcast, Simon Shimshon Rubin, Director at the International Laboratory for the Study of Loss, Bereavement and Human Resilience, author of Working with the Bereaved: Multiple Lenses on Loss and Mourning  and Professor Emeritus of Clinical Psychology at University of Haifa School of Psychological Sciences joins Raviv Ullman and Rabbi Matt to discuss the psychological effects of losing those we love, Jewish practices that ritualize mourning, and he'll share some wisdom from Torah that’s been useful in his work.

Holding Space -- Documentary short about Death Doulas

Death Doulas Help Guide the Dying and Their Families at the End of Life

The New York Times writes about death doulas: 

In our culture, we go overboard preparing for birth, but ‘hope for the best’ at the end of life,” said Ms. O’Hara, 62, who lives in Boston and Ashland, Mass., and is the author of “Little Matches: A Memoir of Grief and Light,” published in April. “The training was really a way of going even deeper into my own grief and realizing how I could take my own experience and help other people have a better end of life.

“I saw for myself how horrifying it is during a medical crisis and then after a death, to realize that life keeps going and needs attending to,” she continued. “As soon as Caitlin passed, suddenly it’s over and the person is gone and you have to deal with the business of living. A good doula will support you with that.”

...

“The beginning of life and the end are so similar,” said Francesca Arnoldy, the lead instructor at UVM’s End-of-Life Doula program. “The intensity of it, the mystery, all of the unknowns. You have to relinquish your sense of control and agenda and ride it out, and be super attentive in the moment.”

Unlike hospice workers, doulas don’t get involved in medical issues. Rather, they support clients emotionally, physically, spiritually and practically, stepping in whenever needed. That could be a few days before someone dies, sitting vigil with them in their last hours, giving hand massages, making snacks. Or it could be months or even years earlier, after someone receives a terminal diagnosis, keeping them company, listening to their life stories or helping them craft autobiographies, planning funerals. Prices range from $25 an hour on up, although many, like Ms. O’Hara, do it voluntarily. And like Ms. O’Hara, many have signed on to help give new meaning to their own grief while helping others in the process.

He Forgot She Was His Wife -- So He Proposed To Her Again

 From the Washington Post, a tender love story about a man who forgot he was married to his wife and proposed to her, and about the community that came together to give them a wedding. 

She didn’t anticipate that the “for better or worse” part of their wedding vows would be put to the test about seven years later, she said....In January, her husband’s mind began declining at a faster pace. And so 20 years after their romance began, with her husband’s recent proposal, it seemed like perfect timing to renew their vows, she said.

A Daughter's Tribute to Her Father

 

Phoebe Wall Howard writes beautifully about losing her dad. An excerpt:

On Monday morning, I pulled up the windows in his warm second-floor bedroom. A cool breeze blew through the trees and into his Victorian home. Leaves rustled. No freighter horns this morning on the St. Clair River. Papa loved the sound of freighter horns as ships passed Algonac.

All was silent now except for the sound of a motorcycle passing through town.

Even Papa.

He was motionless as I tapped on the keyboard. He always said I have the ability to turn mundane things in life into fascinating tales about real people — including him.

But this is his last headline.